It's on my face, I know it.
If you read my previous post, you know the reason why I have not written in a while. All I can say is my last semester was a killer, but I am still alive. I somehow got through all my finals without dropping out of school. That's discipline. I just don't want to see my grades anytime soon.

Anyways, so I had a few "adventures" while on hiatus from my blog. No, not sexual adventures you prev! But they could have been =).

As we all know, I am still somewhat in the closet. Only a few close friends know about my gay status. (I've resolved to rectify that sometime next year, btw.) I don't try so much to act straight, but I don't think you could tell I was gay without me saying anything. I must be giving off some vibes, because I have been approached twice since last I wrote.

So I was at the supermarket looking at the bread, (it takes me a while to decide on what I want and I was trying to find the cheapest kind -- hey! I was/am broke!) when all of a sudden this guy comes up and asks me if I worked at blah and that I looked familiar. At first, I thought he just wanted to ask me a question, or he thought knew me. I was pretty obilvious to his true intentions. I didn't really think it was weird when he started asking me questions about myself and started complimenting me. He even gave me his business card with his personal email address and cell number on it. It wasn't until he walked away that I finally figured out that he was hitting on me! You'd think that phrases like "you're a beautiful man" and "call me up sometime" would have alerted me to that fact, but I really had no idea! Honestly, it was the first time that even happened to me. The question in my mind was how did he know I was gay? I mean single man shopping for bread doesn't equal gay does it?

OK, as if that wasn't enough, I took my friend to a straigh bar/club for her birthday. We were just sitting on a couch in the corner guy watching (she knows I'm gay) and all of a sudden this guy just sits next to us on the same couch. Both me and my friend thought this was weird when there was an empty couch right next to us, but we thought maybe he felt bad taking up a whole couch or something. As the night went on, he started talking to us and asking us if we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I ended up just telling him I was gay to end his barrage of questions. I think he pretty much knew I was gay, and just wanted me to say it. He was gay too. What a weird coincidence 2 gay men meeting at a straight bar. Well, turns out he was in town for business or something and was just waiting for his friends to show up. We met his straight girl friends and ended up dancing. I was pretty self concious about acting gay (and by that I mean grabbing my butt!)in a straight bar, but he wasn't. I guess I am just uptight. He invited me to go back to his hotel room and well, we all know what he wanted to do. I didn't go (sorry). I've never been intimate with anyone before and I didn't want my first time to be with someone I just met (call me old fashioned).

That experience left me more mortified than flattered. I've never been hit on or picked up at a bar before. I had no idea what to say. Was I supposed to flirt back? What are the rules of conduct? When he offers me his number, should I give him mine? My inexperience baffles me. I really need to get out more often.

So another question is how did they know? Am I just giving off that homosexual vibe? Is it somehow written on my face or something? Can everyone else see it? I am just hoping that these men have great gaydar.

Hey! I am not complaining. I am happy that this happened. It opened my eyes to some experiences that are totally lacking in my life. This has shown me that I have to put myself out there more and find out what else I am missing. Which is why I am going to try to find some one to date soon.

If you would like to submit an application, resume, and at least three personal and/or professional references, please feel free to do so and I will keep it on file for future reference. Thank you. =)

Bleh
I've been feeling under the weather lately. No, this time it has nothing to do with sexuality or any of that good stuff (althought the whole Bush for another 4 years does bug me.) No, this time it has to do with school.

For those who don't know, I am still in school. I've been in school forever actually, and I don't think I will ever be done with school. It's not like I am never going to graduate. I only have one more year (4 weeks and one semester to be exact), but even after I do graduate, I just want to go for more. I like to learn, but I don't like the stress that goes with all the assignments and projects. That's what gets to me. Or rather, that's what I let get to me. Sometimes I just let things wait for too long and then when it due dates draw near, I stress out. I am going through that right now: STRESS ATTACK.

I hate this feeling. It feels like there is some impending doom looming over me, and I just start to worry. I am the type of person that can let one worry ruin everything else I am doing. Then, I lose all concetration. I can't even focus on the fun that I am supposed to having on my day off. I don't know why doing well is so important to me. It's great to get good grades, but I just don't know if this is really worth it.

And just what is it that I think I will get out of this? I mean what am I going to with the good grades that I get? Right now, I am just focused on getting a good job. I want a good job that pays good money. I need money. I hate to say it, but money very important to me. There is a Chinese saying roughly translated says: Money can't accomplish everything, but without money you can't accomplish many things. I guess that is my mindset. I need money to do the things that I want to do, like taking care of my parents and taking care of myself.

Anyways, maybe I should let go a little. I might give myself heart attack if I don't lighten up at that will totally hinder my plans of making money.

No big deal...
Rememeber way back, when I said I was co-best man for my friend? Well, the wedding has come and gone like a blur. No really. Seriously. That's because after it was over, I found myself lying on my bathroom floor next to the toilet while my mom was pound on the door to see if I was still alive.

As the "less responsible" best man, my job at the wedding was to drink as much as I could and embarrass myself. Mission accomplished! Alright, I am usual not such a big drunk. In fact, I don't drink much at all. I am usually in control of myself. But it was a happy occasion, and I didn't need to drive so I decided to get wasted! It did feel nice to let loose and lose control once in a while.

The bad thing about all this (because you knew something must have happened...)I was a wreck the next few days. No, I wasn't feeling sick from the alcohol or have a huge hangover (in fact, I didn't have a hangover at all!) I just felt weird.

During my drunken haze, I remember spontaneously crying. Like, really sobbing and then all of a sudden, I would giggle like school girl. I don't remember why exactly. The few days after the wedding, I was the same way. I was feeling a whole mix of emotions. It's as if all those feelings that I've kept locked up inside me were free and the all took turns surfacing. I'm much better now, and I wonder if these are feelings that I have been keeping suppressed inside of me? Am I so in control that all the bad feelings I have are being locked up in some high security "feeling" prison inside of me, and that during my moment of weakness, when I wasn't in full control, those feelings escaped and caused chaos in my usually orderly mind? Hmm.. maybe I need to do some more experiments to figure it out...

(Speaking of experiments, being such a scientist, I suspect the alcohol just caused a hormonal imbalance in my body that led to sporatic mood swings and now my body has had time to adapt to it, but that explanation would make me sound like a nerd... which I am, but I don't want you to think so.)

Anyways, so I learn after the fact, that I may have inadvertently outed myself during my drink-fest. I heard from the other best man (who knows I'm gay) that the other groomsmen (who don't have a clue) now have some suspicions. Of course, me hanging off all the other guys, putting my arms around everyone didn't really help. I knew this was a possiblilty when I started drinking, but I really thought it wouldn't happen. At least I didn't say anything... I think.

After hearing about what the other guys were saying about me (behind my back), my first reaction was, "What!?" But now that I think about it... it's no big deal. I don't really care what they think. They'd find out sooner or later anyways.

Dude... I feel like I've evolved or something. =P

What am I so afraid of?
My friend asked me the other day what I was so afraid of. Why don't I just come out to everyone? I guess that is a valid question.

I am not really afraid of my friends finding out that I am gay. I don't think most of them would care. And the few that I do worry about will probably come around sooner or later. I mean, it's me I'm talking about, who can resist being MY friend? And dammit, they need me. Who else will point out their flaws in hilarious and hurtful ways? I doubt any of them has that talent.

I guess my real fear is my family, specifically my parents. I am deathly afraid of how they will react. My parents have been there for me since I was born. They provided for me, cared for me, and protected me.They gave up their livelihoods and worked hard just so I could succeed. They've pushed me and shaped me into the upstanding citizen (who just registered to vote! yay) that you see before you today. I can't let them down. I won't let them down.

The thing is that they are immigrants, and so stick to the old values and customs of "Old Country." It's hard for me to predict their reactions because there is a cultural gap as well as a generational gap in my way. I want to believe that they will love me regardless, but the things I've heard about others makes me skeptical.

Worse case scenario: my parents will totally reject me and I will never be able to see or talk to my family again. I'll have to move away and start my life alone and depressed. My family will pretend I never existed and live their lives without me.

I know I should not be ashamed of myself, but when I think about all the potential hurt that I could inflict on my family I can't help it. In addition to pain, worry, and sadness, my news can also cause my family to lose face. I don't want to be the person to cause my parents so much pain. Not after everything they have done for me! I want to lead a happy life, but I feel that in order for me to be happy, I have to make my parents sad. I want my parents to be happy. I want them to at least think that they have a good son. It makes me feel so selfish that I want to lead this "deviant" life, when my parents gave up their life to raise me. So, I haven't said anything to my family yet. I don't know that I ever will.

If I didn't have to worry about my family, I wouldn't have to hide in my smelly closet. I would enjoy all that being gay had to offer, like cruising for anonymous sex and barebacking. Instead, I secretly surf for porn and stare at guys' unsuspecting butts. I'm going to hell.

Damn Kids!
So this weekend, I hung out with some of my friends and we started to talk about kids. You know, being gay has made me think about these issues in depth. What if I never have kids? Well, to tell the truth, right now I don't really care. Sure, in the future it would be nice to have the pitter-patter of little feet running on the marble floors of my stately mansion, but serious, do I really have what it takes?

First of all, I am uncomfortable with all the responsiblity. I can't look after a kid. I can't even look after myself! It's hard enough to make sure I am eating let alone watch to see if a kid is eating. And I say this here and now, I am NOT going to make any of those cutesy choo-choo noises or make believe that my spoon full of food is some annoying air plane coming in for a landing. If I have to eat crap and know it, so should the kid. Secondly, I hate kids. They're dirty and they steal.

That being said, my friend followed up with the question, "Will you adopt of get someone to have your baby for you?" I don't need a "little me" running around. I think I am going to adopt a little white child and teach him ("him" because I already decided on a boy even though I am never having kids!) Chinese and tell him that he's adopted, just to mess with his brain.

Vegas blues
So you would think that a trip to Vegas would be just what I needed to get out of my depressing slump that I am currently experiencing. Just think of all that sin I could get myself into. If you really thought that, you really don't know me. What my "fun" Vegas trip did was make me sadder.

So there I was sitting in the Olympic Garden Cabaret surrounded by strippers, smoke, and some slightly, sticky seats (can you tell.. I like to alliterate) trying very hard to enjoy myself. Of course this is a bit hard because I am totally NOT turned on by strippers, the female kind. (Well... I am a little turned on by cute male strippers). All the time sitting in the sleaze pit that is the strip club, I was thinking, "God, did I just pay $20 for lung cancer?" Aside from that, I had to fend off the advances of many a stripper who all want to know if I want a lap dance. I have a personality you know! I don't know where you've been and who you've done, I don't want the sleaze of multiple men on me -- at least not in that way! All I wanted to do was to go to sleep -- but not at the hotel because I had to share a bed with a fat bastard. I wanted to go home.

So how did I get myself into this? Yeah, I'm a co-best man for one of my best friends. So I actually planned my own torture. Ironic, no? That's not the only irony. In a room packed full of people, in a room full of people making "connections," I can still feel so lonely. Oh, and upstairs, there were male strippers, but I couldn't go up there =(.

On the upside, I won $20. But I probably gained 5 pounds from all the buffets. I can't win, can I?

Emotions are good things!
I remember being very apathetic once. I didn't have much of an opinon. I used to be very indifferent. I kept my emotions in check. I convinced myself that I was always happy. I never showed anyone that I was anything less than happy. Showing any emotion meant I was vulnerable. After all, I am a guy.

Around the time I was struggling with my sexuality, I became very emotional. The smallest things would set me off. I could get sad easily, be it movies, tv, stories, etc., and tears would well up in my eyes. I admit that might sound like a normal reaction, but to me it was very unusual. I was so happy for so long, and now I was just sad, a lot. And it was very extreme. Sometimes I would just burst into tears for no reason. Sometimes I would swing from being very happy to very sad. I once had to hide in the bathroom just to cry. I am a guy, I wasn't supposed to show that much emotion! I don't know what it was. Maybe watching sad things would cause me to think of my own sad predicament. I was terribly depressed.

Of course, I am much better now. I don't get depressed very often. I guess that is one thing that I can accredit to my being gay. It put me in touch with my real feelings. I no longer have this happy facade. I can feel happy or sad or whatever. I can cry without feeling guilty about it.

And here is the point of this entry: Road rage is bad! Why do some people feel that being manly is so much more important than showing emotion? They bottle up every feeling they have and take out their fustrations on innocent drivers. Damn. Watch out dude. You got some issues.

Who wants a wedding? Not me.
So I went to a wedding this weekend, and it got me thinking. Do I really want to get married? The answer is no. Not that I'm not rooting for Gay Marriage or anything. I'm all for that. I want to be able to get married if I wanted to, but right now, for me, I don't see the point.

Sometimes I think that my reluctance to marry (or even commit to anything) is a result of me being gay. Being gay releases me from being "normal." I don't have to get married ever if I don't want to. And anyways, I don't think I'm ready...yet.

I don't possess the qualities needed to make a marriage work! I don't know how to share. I don't compromise well. I don't want to give up the freedom that I have. The one thing that getting hitched might help me with is my indecisiveness. But that's nothing a good magic 8-ball can't fix.

It seems, to many, marriage is just a validation of their love. That without marriage, their love means nothing. If that is true, then gay love doesn't mean anything because gays are not allowed to marry. I feel that gay love (well, the lasting kind) means a lot more than most marriages. Long lasting gay love survives even without a legal document stating that you have to love the other person!

Anyways, to end this rant against marriage, let me say this. I may not want to get married now, but it doesn't mean I don't ever want to get married! It just that right now, I want to have have as many anonymous sex partners as I can! HA!

My Pride Story
So this was the weekend of SF Pride. I went down to have a look. And then I went home. THE END

Nothing was changed. Nothing was resolved. (For me anyways. You probably had fun!) I am still the same frightened little boy I was before this. I wanted so much for this Prideful event to give me the courage to be who I want to be. Instead it scared me back into my little closet.

Looking at all the people at the celebration who were so happy and comfortable with who there were made me feel so ashamed of myself. I felt like I didn't belong there. I didn't have pride. And I don't know if I could ever be proud of who I am. And so my first thought is, "Why try?" Yes, I am a giver-upper! OK, maybe I won't give up so easily. My goal is to be able to hold my head up high come next Pride day!

So here is what I am going to do. I am going to try to be happy. I am going to try to accept myself. I am going to try to find a use for all that free lube I got! (well, it's just going to waste!)

In other news, I came out to yet another girl friend. She took it just fine. And then we went shopping. =)

When will my dream come true?
I had this dream. It was a good dream... sort of. I am going to tell it in detail (mainly because I want to relive it...)

It's a nice an sunny day. I was waiting for a bus and looking into a store with big glass windows that looked like a Kinkos. It's a cross between a fast food place and a funeral parlor. I don't know what that means.

Anyways, a guy comes up to me and says something like, "you know why people die more in the winter?" or something like that. I didn't really remember that too well. I reply with a sarcastic/ funny comment back like, " because they freeze better?" or something equally stupid and corny. This guy, is white, has semi wavy brown/blonde hair, and a little scruff on his chin. (*drool*) I walk away from him (because he's a stranger I suppose and I don't talk to strangers.)

Well, the bus comes, but I don't get on for some reason. (I guess it wasn't my bus) A lot of people get off, and it gets very crowded. He comes up to my side, and we chat a little more. I notice that our shoulders are rubbing together. (Well, in the dream, they are rubbing very obviously, not very subtle) So then I think , "hmm.. is he?" Then for some reason, I have to go, and then he stops me and says, "You know, we could do something together. I live right there."

I was like so happy. I smiled. I just felt so good. And he was smiling, and he put his hand around me. We walked off to his place. And just walking there, I felt sooooo good. I remember at one point I put my hands around him. Even though it was a dream, I felt his solid body under my arms, and it made me so happy. I felt just this great joy that I was walking with this guy. He was into me, and I was into him. And the anticipation of what was coming was so exciting. We got playful, and he jumped onto my back (which is weird because I am a weakling), but that was great.

Then we get to his place and... ugh. Something happened. (I can't really remember, or I don't want to remember) Things got sad, and he wasn't into me anymore. I just left. That was so depressing. And i woke up.

Just the feeling of having had something, and then losing it so fast made me feel so crummy. ugh. But I still remember that feeling of walking with him...Still gets me excited and happy.

I want to have that... When will my dream come true?